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october-ink

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A Fresh Start

6 min read

Hello, everybody...I am still alive. This year has been full of ups and downs, lefts and rights, and loop-de-loops galore. So much has happened this year, it's been hard to keep track of what's gone right, and what's gone wrong...and some stuff sorta in between. In case you haven't noticed yet, I've already started making some small changes to my account on here. Nothing crazy, and nothing to be alarmed about, everything is still here, and always will be, I promise. However...


I need a fresh start.


For a while now I've had anxiety about just the thought of posting again. I'm still not entirely sure why, though I wish I could figure that part out. But I figured it can't hurt to have a somewhat clean slate for 2023. I've moved all of my featured deviations to a new folder titled "2015-2022" so that anything new I post (hopefully starting in 2023) will be isolated on the Featured page. This is just to maintain the illusion of a fresh start without actually deleting this account and starting over a new one...because that would suck, and I would greatly regret that, so this is the next best thing I can come up with for now.


That being said, this doesn't necessarily mean that I'll never come back to my comic, or any of the previous stories or characters from the last seven years of my digital life on here. They will always be here, and there is always a chance that they'll pop up again from time to time. But...at the same time, I'm not making ANY promises that I will be coming back to any of it...hence, the "fresh start" aspect to all of this. I know that there's a lot of uncertainty in all of this, and that it can be disappointing to hear. But this is something I truly feel like I need to do. And that's my focus on 2023: me.


For the past three or four years, I've made resolutions, and have dedicated my time to reconnecting with certain members of my family. And all of that time spent has been completely worthwhile. But because of this focus on so many others in my life (including things like posting online - mostly for others, I'm now starting to realize), I've left a huge part of myself behind. Each year has been less and less fun to create something that I wanted to share. And that's because I'm constantly contemplating what everyone else around me is going to think of it. If they'll like it, or hate it, or be annoyed I'm coming up with something new again, if they only want something old I used to do, etc...


I'm casting those voices out of my head, and pulling up my creative side back on its feet.


I miss the passion and fun of drawing and writing, and I now know that I stopped enjoying it because I wasn't doing it for me anymore. I was doing it for everyone else. And you know what they say...


"You can't make everyone happy."


I've done the hard work of trying to do just that, and there was a consequence to it. I felt burnt out, anxious, and exhausted. After finally doing some good for myself this year, even just the little things, like seeing a doctor to get some answers and help, and seeing a therapist to guide me through my social anxiety, and even getting my first tattoo that I designed myself just because I could! After those things, I felt...good. So good. So damn good, in fact, that I started sketching again, and I've been slowly getting back into writing!


I want 2023 to be my year. Every other year before has been about someone else in my life. And because of that, my creative side has been left behind to be alone with the passion and love I had for writing and drawing. I miss that side of myself, and I need to fix it. And I'm telling you all of this for a reason. I'm posting this today to let you all know that what I do on here will be for me. Even if I share a hundred new characters with a hundred new story ideas behind them, and you only see them once, and never again...if that's what makes me happy, then I'm going for it.


I understand that most people are fond of consistency, and I get that. But there are so many beautiful and amazing artists on here that can provide that. I'm just not one of them. If you're looking for consistency on my page, there's a good chance that's not gonna happen, if I'm being honest. And I am now okay with that. And if you're not...like I said, there are so many other incredibly creative people on DA that can provide that for you. But I'm going to do what makes me happy now.


I will not respond to comments asking about certain stories or characters, or if I'll be going back to something on here...this journal entry is my answer to all of those questions. I'm not making promises that I can't keep anymore. I can't promise a continuation of stories, or the start and finish of new ones, or an explanation for every character I come up with. I can't promise certain genres or creatures like aliens, giants, and whatever else has been on here. If I feel like drawing Gt, cool! If I feel like drawing a random couple, great! If I feel like writing about a robot apocalypse, okay! If I want to continue a story or drawing a certain thing, I'm sure I'll let ya know! But nothing is certain in life, and nothing will be certain on here, anymore.


(I hope this doesn't come across as aggressive...that's not what I want lol)


This is my fresh start. And if there's one thing I hope for, it's that all of you will continue to follow me on this journey to see where it goes. Change is scary...I have my own fears and anxieties about changes. But in this case, I'm excited. I'm looking forward to 2023 and the mysterious future ahead. I'd like to think that half of the future is out of our hands and full of strange uncertainties. And the other half is what we make of it. I hope we can make our part of it beautiful.


Before I end this journal, I just want to thank all of you. If you were here seven years ago, or just got here seven seconds ago...thank you. Thank you for your support, your kind comments, and following the craziness this page has already been through. Who knows what the next seven years will bring to this page...well, actually, I do know one thing:


This is me. Take it, or leave it.

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An Update

4 min read

Yes, I am alive, I promise. I'm sorry I've been gone for a long time, I hope I didn't worry you guys too much. I wanted to explain myself a bit. Back in May I was officially diagnosed with endometriosis (if you don't know what this is, feel free to look it up). Then, from mid-May to early June I was away on a work trip in another state. The work was stressful and tedious, and the days were extra long. Then, I finally came home, and had another doctor's appointment where they officially diagnosed me with social anxiety and depression.


(I finally have health insurance again, and can actually afford to see a PCP after almost going a whole year without one)


Growing up, my family never talked about mental health. In fact, I think it's safe to say we didn't even believe in it. For years, I just thought I was super lazy, or was constantly in a slump, or having writer's block. But they explained to me the differences between those things and depression. And I check all the boxes for depression. Which really does explain SO much about what I've been going through the past few years.


And now that I know what's going on, I can finally get help. I am currently in the stages of trial and error for medications for my anxiety and depression (both of which are also fueled by my endometriosis). We all know the dangerous side effects of taking these types of medications, which is why it can take some time to find the right one.


For now, posting anything will be rare if it even happens at all for me. I have to take the time to put myself first and get where I need to be before I can pick up where I left off. I'm sorry to keep you all waiting, and I wish it didn't have to be this way. But this is so that I can feel like myself again. Because I've almost come to the point where I'm struggling to enjoy drawing and writing right now. I haven't done much of anything in days because of everything that's been going on. It sucks. And I'm tired of it. I miss feeling relaxed and getting lost in words and pictures. I miss that feeling so much, and I am going to try whatever I can to get that feeling back.


Sorry if I sound super dramatic, but there's just been a lot going on about this, especially in my head. And I just want to be me again.


But enough about me...how are all of YOU doing? I know the world has just been a shitty rollercoaster lately, and that I'm not the only one going through things. And I know that things could also be a lot worse for me, personally. You don't have to share anything if you don't want to. But I want you to know that if you're going through something, anything that's a hard thing for you to go through right now, that I'm sorry. I'm sorry you have to deal with this thing that's making you sad, or angry, or scared. And I want you to know that this is a safe space. A place you can come to and not be judged. You won't be made fun of, you won't be scolded, or reprimanded. You can come here, you can read, you can cry, you can use words in caps to express your anger and frustration, and you can be whoever it is you WANT to be in this place. My characters, and my stories are all here for you. They've been there for me, they've helped me get through some tough shit. And even though I'll be gone for a while to figure out my own stuff, this space will always be here whenever you need it.


Hopefully, I'll have an update for everyone soon. Until then, please take good care of yourselves. You deserve to be here. I want you here. And I hope that today, or tomorrow is a better day for you :heart:

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GIANTS

5 min read

I’ve always been drawn to giants. I recall little things in my childhood that lead back to my love for the unusual and unofficial giant/tiny genre from time to time. Movies, stories, imaginary characters that used to play with me in the backyard. I remember observing a patch of moss when I was a kid, and thinking that it looked like tiny trees. A small forest in the palms of my innocent hands. I remember looking up after, and seeing the trees around me in a different way—imagining a giant person staring down at me among them as if I were in a patch of moss myself.


My brother and I used to pretend there was a giant girl named Goldilocks that would shyly greet us hello, and promise not to hurt us. I still remember exactly how I pictured her: curly, ivory-blonde hair, blue eyes, freckles, and a blue Sunday dress.


Some of my favorite movies growing up were Thumbelina, and The Borrowers. My favorite stories were Jack and the Beanstalk, and Tom Thumb. An episode here-or-there of a person or a group of people shrinking down to just a few inches tall. Even small moments in things such as video games caught my attention like nothing else. Moments like in Halo 3 when Master Chief finally finds Cortana, and she’s so small and vulnerable in front of him. Things like that began to give me story ideas with giant people in them. One of the biggest tells and revelations I had was when I watched Transformers for the first time. And honestly, as silly as it sounds, it changed my life in the strangest of ways.


And this was all before I ever even knew about the giant/tiny genre. Before I knew there was a community built around such a strange and unique concept. Something so simple, yet always proves to be moving and complex if given the right story and characters.


Personally, I’m still trying to figure out why I’m so easily drawn to such an unusual concept. What it is about this very simple idea that makes my heart skip beats, or makes my stomach curl with wonder and anxiety at the same time. I wish I knew for sure. But the closest thing I’ve ever come to understanding it, is a sense of vulnerability.


I don’t know why, but the idea of being completely vulnerable, and literally having my body, my life in someone’s hands gives me the strangest feelings. Feelings that I only get once in a while. It’s an unusual ache in my chest at times. A real, physical ache as if it’s really happening to me. As if I’m sitting in the hands of someone who could so easily hurt me. Someone who could end my life. But they don’t. They don’t want to, and never would. They are kind, and gentle. They are forced to hold back their own strength, because they also know the consequences of any careless actions. They have an entire person, a life in their hands.


That’s an immense responsibility.


And living in a world where lives are taken everyday, and taken without question or remorse is so sad. It’s unbelievably scary. It’s cruel and unavoidable. So, just imagine a person who lives in that kind of world, and it’s the only thing they know and understand about people. Being small enough to fit in the hands of someone with the strength to crush you effortlessly is terrifying. But then, this giant person says they won’t hurt you. That they never will. Even though you may feel safer, you’re still vulnerable. You’re still putting everything that you are in that person’s hands. You have to trust them. You have to believe that they will be gentle and kind to you and your fragile body.


You have to believe that they value your life as much as you do.


Something like that seems so rare now. Not only the respect for life, but finding the value, and the need to protect it. We poison small animals, rip trees from the ground, and kill bees. But what if you picked up an ant, and it could speak to you? What if it was shaking in fear in your hand, begging you to not hurt it? Wouldn’t you feel a great deal of responsibility for its safety?


There are two vastly different sides to each giant/tiny story. There’s the vulnerable side of being small enough to get crushed beneath an incoming wall of fingers. And the eye-opening side of feeling monstrous to something you never had any intentions of harming. It’s a concept that can be remade, reshaped, and retold through countless worlds and creatures. An idea that can bring forth so many questions and answers.


It is a story that can bring back over and over again the realization that a life is delicate, invaluable, and always worth protecting.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Just a little something I wrote recently. Nothing too spectacular, just some thoughts I had. I figured I'd share it with others who may understand :)

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So...

6 min read

I know that I have already taken so many “breaks” lately. The truth of the matter is, I have been very lost this month. I feel overwhelmed and anxious anytime I try to draw something. Anytime I open my iPad or put pencil to paper, I just feel stressed about drawing. And I have always been afraid of getting to this point, so afraid that this would happen to me. It has in the past but only for a day or two, due to stress and anxiety from work or family. But for it to last this long has really started to worry me. I’m not sure if I’ve just overworked myself, or if there’s some other aspect of my life that’s causing this kind of stress. But for the past week and a half I’ve done little to no drawing, hoping that maybe I just needed a long, clean break from it. And yet, trying to sketch even a small thing the other day brought back some anxiety.


I think another thing about all of this that’s giving me anxiety is the fear of letting down my followers. Because I draw too many new characters, and come up with too many stories, or I don’t draw enough, or I take too many breaks when releasing comic pages, or I work on too many other things when I should be working on the comic, or what I’m working on is too simple, or the story I’m coming up with is too complex...it’s an endless, vicious cycle of self-sabotage. And it’s exhausting.


And it’s all on me. This is no one’s fault but my own, and it’s something I have to figure out, and work on. All my life I’ve worried myself sick about what people think of me. In recent years, I’ve been better about it, mostly with my physical appearances. But online, where I’ve created this account with so many stories and characters that are here one day, dismissed the next, unfished, broken, flawed...I worry that that is all anyone sees. Just the flaws in what I’m doing.


And I think that’s why I’m stuck in the biggest “slump” of my life. I’m always assuming that your expectations of me are always going to be big and grand, and I put pressure on myself to meet those expectations that aren’t even there. It’s a monster of my own making, and I have to take care of it.


I’m sorry if this is all too personal. I’m just trying to explain myself. And I needed to explain myself so that you’ll understand why I will be taking some time off from...well, just whatever I want and need. Whether that’s the comic, stories I’ve started, or drawing certain characters.


I’ve always been so focused on just drawing. I’d wake up, draw, go to work, draw on my breaks, go home, and draw before bed. On the weekends, I’d draw for hours and hours. And I think I’ve just overdone it. I need to take time to do other things, like write the books I’ve had in my head. Read more books to learn, and absorb, and find other inspirations and motivations. Take my time to learn a new craft, a new passion maybe. Otherwise, I sit and rush to finish a drawing, because I only have so much time before work, or before bed.


Which was the other thing, I was always worried about time. About my own time, and how little I had left in the day to work on something. And honestly, I’m tired of worrying about things like that. I want to take this new year, and make a lot of changes for myself. Good changes. And I’m starting here, and now.


There’s possibly going to be less coming from me while I figure myself out. I won’t promise weekly pages from the comic anymore, unless I have them done ahead of time. I won’t promise the continuation of stories from new or old characters. If I post a blurb, or a new chapter of something, I will not reply to “When will there be a next part/a new chapter?” “Will you write more?” because my answer will always be the same. “I don’t know.” I am always flattered and grateful when you enjoy what I’ve written, and I understand why you would want to know if there will be more coming, but please remember that I usually put in the descriptions of my posts if I will or won’t be working on more of a story idea.


I may not post as often as I used to because I will be focusing my time on other things. I will be dedicating my mornings to writing, my breaks during the day to reading, and if I have the right inspiration, I will draw at night before bed. On the weekends, I will be doing my best to split up my time between all three, and I will be posting things again when I can. Sometimes things may come only days apart, some weeks apart.


I understand that many of you follow me for my Giant/tiny pieces and stories. Yes, I will still be posting anything I come up with for that genre, but I will also be posting...just whatever I want. Not what I think everyone else wants.


...again, this is no one’s fault, except mine. I’ve just reached a new revelation in my life, and it’s something I have to figure out. Like putting a new puzzle together. I’m sorry that this is such a long explanation of me basically saying, “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, so I’m going to do whatever the hell I want to figure it out.” I just wanted to be clear, and honest with you all. Because while I may be intimidated and shocked by how many of you are following me, I am beyond grateful for the support you’ve given me. It’s why I’m doing this instead of just giving up, and closing my accounts. So, thank you. Thank you for being patient, understanding, and kind to me and my characters. I will be back soon, I can promise you that.


I just need one more break.

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Live Streaming!

1 min read

Sorry, everyone! Stream cut short for the day, had something come up. Will try again soon! :)

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A Fresh Start by october-ink, journal

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